How to fix communication problems in your relationship, according to a therapist

If you and your partner keep having the same argument on repeat—or worse, if you’re stuck in long silences and tension—you’re not alone. As a therapist, one of the most common things I hear is: “We just can’t communicate.”

But more often than not, it’s not about communication skills. It’s about the emotional patterns that quietly take over when we’re feeling disconnected, hurt, or unsure how to reach each other.

Let’s look at what might really be going on between you and your partner—and how to start changing it.

The Real Reason You Can’t “Just Talk About It”

Most couples think they’re arguing about dishes, text messages, or being late. But under the surface, there’s something deeper happening.

When one person feels distant or ignored, they might start pressing harder, asking more questions, bringing up old issues, or trying to talk things through right now. Meanwhile, the other person might start pulling back, staying quiet, shutting down, or walking away from the conversation altogether.

This creates a cycle where:

• The more one person reaches, the more the other retreats.

• The more one pulls away, the more the other pushes.

Neither person feels heard. Both feel alone.

And over time, it starts to feel like talking doesn’t help so you just stop trying. But this cycle isn't anyone's fault. It’s just what happens when people care deeply, but don’t feel safe enough to connect.

What Healthy Communication Actually Looks Like

You don’t need to talk more; you need to feel more connected when you do.

Here are a few shifts that can open up your conversations and reduce the tension between you:

1. Listen to understand, not to respond

It sounds simple, but truly listening is rare. That means:

• Letting your partner finish without interrupting

• Repeating back what you heard: “So when I didn’t text, you felt forgotten?”

• Asking if you understood them correctly

This helps your partner feel like you’re really with them—not just waiting for your turn to speak.

2. Speak from the heart, not from frustration

It’s easy to say “You never listen” or “You always shut down.” But underneath those words is often something more tender, like:

• “I feel anxious when I don’t know what you’re thinking.”

• “It hurts when I feel shut out.”

When you speak from that place, your partner is more likely to respond with care than defense.

3. Notice the pattern, not just the problem

Start paying attention to how you each react in conflict. Does one of you tend to chase the conversation while the other disappears into silence? That’s not about personality; it’s a protective pattern.

Just being able to name it in the moment—“We’re getting caught in that loop again”—can help slow things down and give you both a way out.

What We Work on in Couples Therapy

You and your partner aren’t broken—you’re just caught in a pattern. And patterns can change.

When I work with couples, I’m not just teaching “communication techniques.” I’m helping you both feel emotionally safer with each other. We explore questions like:

• What’s really going on when your partner pulls away?

• What’s underneath your frustration when you’re not feeling heard?

• What does each of you need to feel secure, loved, and connected?

From that place, it’s easier to speak more openly and to actually hear each other. The goal isn’t to agree on everything. It’s to feel like you’re on the same team again.

If this sounds like your relationship, I’d be honored to help you find your way back to connection, one conversation at a time.